Independent Living
Going independent: how difficult was it?
Those of us in our senior years have probably forgotten how we transitioned into becoming independent and started living independently. It just seemed like a natural process, almost as if we did not have to actively do much towards developing independence, and yet, the opposite is true. Time has a way of fading out the pains of our past. We even have a phrase for it. “Time heals!” And it sure does. Gaining and becoming independent is like making a model with building blocks, one slow definitive block at a time. Glancing retrospectively, our good achievement blocks seemingly appeared easily acquired, and our painful failure blocks less punishingly so. Our memories of things past are toned down. The mind (generally) has a way of letting us dynamically reconcile the ups and downs of our lives to allow us to carry forward in ways we can cope with. It sort of flat-lined the highs and lows or we would otherwise have been stuck in a bad past with time standing still. Think of it as resilience. Resilience fortifies us with stoicism and endurance to overcome issues plaguing us and allows us to go the extra mile and overcome hurdles, yet not everyone is equally endowed with the same degree of it. Some in the population have vulnerabilities, mental or physical, or both, that present huge challenges when tackling problems in life.
One explanation for why we do not appear to give much thought to the process of problem resolution may be attributed to our active grappling with the various current situations confronting us at the material time. I think there was neither extra energy nor the luxury of commiserative thinking to engage in the whys of this happening to me. Responses were likely reactionary and hasty, particularly if the problem at hand demanded urgency in resolution, not to say that finding solutions was not mindfully thought out. Often, it is only when the problem is resolved that we can reflect on it and evaluate our response to it and how well or how badly we tended to it. Be that as it may, the repeat of problem solving over the long years does develop one’s resourcefulness hence creating a resolution bank that can be drawn upon for solving future problems. Little by little, whether we are actively aware of it or otherwise, we develop independence, since much of independence is the ability to depend on oneself in dealing with the various aspects of daily living.
The rate of growth in becoming independent is pretty much individually governed. Yes, there is a lucky cohort that transitions easily with minimal problems, a less lucky cohort that struggles with all kinds of life’s problems, and the many in-betweens. Be it a slow and gradual process or a quicker process, being independent stretches over a fair period of time in one’s life. Undergirding overall independence is financial independence, which to me means largely possessing financial literacy, having the ability to earn one’s keep, and the smarts to not let scammers make away with one’s savings. Managing one’s finances well is definitely an asset, balancing one’s expenditure and reserving a part of it for financial security is financial wisdom. It is incredibly difficult to further develop one’s other talents in the face of great financial worries though it is not impossible. There are a few incredible rags-to-riches stories but they are by far and large, the minority. It is not necessary to possess great wealth for one to live reasonably well, and to be happy and contented. But it is essential to have sufficient savings for the proverbial rainy day, what more for the storms of life to take this proverb further! Financial stability does promote peace of mind enabling one to focus on developing other areas of one’s life instead of being constantly mired in worry. My late mother used to cite the adage to cut one’s dress according to one’s cloth, which I still remember till today.
I am inclined to adopt the view that single people will do well to be fairly all-rounded as they depend mainly on themselves for dealing with the many aspects of their lives. It makes for greater comfort and convenience to have someone to share life’s problems with provided there is harmony rather than acrimony. There is no guarantee that a relationship will always be harmonious and can sometimes actually prove quite unbalanced with power struggles and co-dependencies resulting in utter misery. But in stable working relationships, two persons working together will probably find it easier to weather life’s storms. Depending on one’s own judgment calls, immense self-confidence and self-reliance are possible to develop with time and effort at self-improvement, and where necessary, with some external assistance. There are naturally, nevertheless, upsides and downsides whether one lives singly or in a partnership such as a marriage relationship. True independence in partnerships permits each partner some amount of leeway to pursue his or her own interests while sharing common pursuits, without drowning each other out or smothering each other’s personalities. Sometimes though, this is easier said than done.
What are the other areas of life one needs to develop independence? Quick to come to mind is ‘unpopular’ housekeeping. The fortunate souls with maid service are still required to manage and mind them. Other less fortunate souls will have to expend their own time and DIY energies to live in a decent environment. Again there are plusses and minuses on both sides of the equation. Those with maids have extra time to expend on their favorite pursuits but if these are exclusive of exercise, then, there is a chance of gradual weight gain as opposed to the built-in exercise of those executing their own housekeeping. Whatever the case may be, it is always a plus point to know how to keep one’s house clean and tidy. Use it or lose it is never truer than when applied to prolonged resting muscles and bodies. Research shows that excessive lying down or sitting decreases muscle strength leading in extreme cases, to sarcopenia. In tandem with housekeeping is food preparation. I recall a friend who once made a comment that if one wishes to eat well; one needs to cook one’s own food! One will certainly not starve. Ultimately, eating in is more convenient if one can cook unless one enjoys excursions out to eat even on a regular basis. It is a mere matter of independent choices, not crucial to survival but perhaps crucial to one’s wallet! The cost of meals in current times has risen dramatically enough to dent one’s finances. Lessened in quantity and quality, it is not in colloquial terms “bang for your bucks”. Ingredients may be substandard or may contain unhealthy additives such as ‘msg’ (monosodium glutamate) or bad recycled oils among other things. One can better select ingredients when cooking one’s own meals and still save costs. Do note there is no labor charge when cooking one’s own meals!
There is more than meets the eye when discussing overall independence since there are so many more areas in life to develop independence. The above is just a small window to view a segment of independent living. Do drop a comment on where else independence can be developed.
While a majority of the population is able to, by their own efforts, become independent, a marginalized group of people has difficulty doing so. Those with physical and mental disabilities, or both, can definitely profit from governmental or non-governmental aids in the form of cash, coping, therapeutic, or educational programs, gifting or loaning of medical devices or equipment, and the provision of special homes for the disabled. The very severe cases understandably need greater support than the milder cases. This is largely, however, a material type of help whereas the deeper help desperately needed is on the developmental, social, and psychological level. Personality development is even more challenging. While some
degree of independence can nevertheless be instilled in people with certain disabilities, it frequently involves a much longer process, enormous amounts of patience, and genuine commitment to self-improvement. It is more often than not a life-long process with some people requiring life-long assistance. Specialized educational programs, counseling, financial aid, and other kinds of support will however still provide accessory support and complement efforts at ‘survival living’ or developing coping abilities, and self-improvement. What is crucially essential is the development of cognitive awareness to take cognizance of how and why happenings occur and how to keep safe under different circumstances. This may help reduce some amount of anxiety and panic reactions. Some of these may be financial, physical, social, or security-related. Avoiding scammers, thugs, and thieves is as important as crossing roads safely.
A possible helpful approach towards teaching this group of people is to motor them through i.e. actually having them perform what one wants to teach them. Showing them through actual demonstration how things are done is more effective since learning, for many of them, is visual rather than verbal. The simplest task can prove baffling for some people. Frying an egg may appear brainless yet when the process is broken down, it involves multiple steps. Start with getting and washing a frying pan, turning on a flame on a stove, and heating the pan up. Add a little oil; break an egg into it when the pan is sufficiently hot. Turning over or flipping the egg to cook the other side, remove the egg to a saucer when cooked, and turn off the flame. Wash the frying pan. There is a security concern here involving fire safety, lighting up the fire, and turning it off safely, especially when using gas stoves. There are also judgment issues involved. How much oil does one use? How long does one cook the egg for? What if one forgets to turn off the fire? Even normal people forget to turn off fires occasionally. There is also a dexterity issue i.e. not getting burned by the fire or the hot pan. There are similar safety issues when using an electric rice cooker when cooking rice. The bottom or electric element of the rice cooker is not washable! Also, the rice is not placed in that cavity but in the pot that sits in that cavity. Again, what may appear obvious may not always be so. Multiply this simple act to multiple situations and it gets complicated if not overwhelming. Involving early learning gives ahead time over a longer period for learning to be achieved, provided vulnerabilities are discovered early, otherwise one has to just start at whichever point vulnerabilities are discovered.
Ultimately independent living, whether fully independent or with some amount of assistance, can be achieved to varying degrees for different people. My wish is for everyone to do the best they can in whatever circumstances they are in.